Small Memories

Grief and hats? You may be asking yourself what in the heck do hats have to do with grief. When I found myself grieving from the loss of 5 family members at once, one of the things I had a problem with was my hats.

No, I’m not talking about rain hats or baseball caps. I’m talking about the different hats I wore in each relationship, the roles that I played within each setting. Among my hats were mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, teacher, miss fix-it, friend, etc.

If you have lost someone very near and dear to you, like I did, it is likely that you have gotten your hats confused, refused to take off a special hat, or floundered to find a hat you needed. This is part of the grief cycle and fear. It’s very understandable and a natural reaction to the loss.

Throughout our lives, we all have a variety of hats we wear and roles we assume in order to take care of things. We change hats as each need arises. We never throw a hat away! When we are finished with one hat or role, we simply pack the hat away and take it out again when later needed.

For instance, I wore my “mothering” hat long before I came to be a mother to my son. I mothered the children in my classrooms, friends’ children, my grandparents as they grew old, my father through his illness, and even a few lost children in Walmart™. In fact, I still tend to step into that role for people who need a mother figure.

Some of you may be able to identify with the CEO hat a little better. You make decisions all day. You are assertive, weigh consequences, and make choices based on the facts and figures you have. These talents more than likely spill over into other aspects of your life and aren’t only present during office hours.

When we lose someone or something it can seem that a tornado has blasted through our closets and scattered our previously well organized hat boxes over a three state area. Our hats are a part of us. They help us define our lives. They remind us of our abilities and accomplishments. Our hats can even remind us of the expectations we have of ourselves. Special hats, that were only worn during specific times or for certain people, can remind us of our loss.

Loss is loss. No matter what is lost, be it a person, job, or something else, the emotions are very similar and sometimes exactly the same. We may feel confused, worthless, unneeded, unwanted, empty, angry, sorrow, guilt, etc. Disorganized hats can cause a lot of chaos! To move beyond these emotions, we have to do 3 things:

Take inventory - Find, define, and label each hat or role. Make note of any changes or repairs that need to be made. You may need someone to help you do this.

Store hats - Figure out which hats you will need first. Keep those out and store the rest. Remember the more hats you try to wear now, the harder it will be for you to organize them all. Go slow.

Repair & make hats - Get out your milliner hat to start repairing and adjusting old hats one at a time. You may find that some of your hats are badly damaged. You NEVER have to throw a hat away. Don’t be afraid to combine the parts to make a new hat!

It can take a while to get these tasks done. You may only be able to work on them a bit here and there. That’s okay. Given time, your hats/roles will be neatly in place again. You may even have few new skills and hats to add to your collection!

More Resources:

Note: Here is a book I’ve found to be very helpful. If you’ve found yourself grieving for someone or something, please get it now. I’d hate to know that you had to wait as long as I did to start moving forward. ~ Kit

The Grief Recovery Handbook : The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses

Small Memories was born out of the desire to bring families and friends closer together. There are some events that brought this goal to the forefront of my life’s ambitions. While I don’t want to concentrate on the negative, I think it’s important for you to know some of the background so you can use my experiences to make the most of the time you have with your loved ones.

In my case, within a twelve month period, I lost 5 people who were (still are) very important to me. My last remaining grandparents passed away; my husband and I divorced, with him taking the step-child I considered to be my own; then 2 months after that, my father passed away. That is a lot of major losses in a short period of time!

I became very depressed and struggled daily to find a purpose and redefine who/what I was. A myriad of questions ran through my head. Was I still a mother, even though I was no longer mothering “my” son? Was I an orphan? Who could I turn to for help? The list goes on and on.

During my bleak years, every memory of a smile, laugh, some silly behavior, or habit, was painful. The trick for me was to take away the sadness related to missing these good times. In the end, my wonderful memories are what give me a feeling of closeness to the people who are gone but for whom I still care.

After several years of using every resource available, I began climbing out of my steep hole and started learning ways to make my life more meaningful. In the process, I discovered ways to honor the people who were no longer with me and became determined to do things that would help keep my family and friends emotionally close. I found a purpose! I have a goal. You and your family are my purpose. Helping others by sharing what I’ve learned is my goal.